You look like a hooker, but a high end hooker. Like for a congressman or an athlete

I am not usually one to buy random beauty products, unless I am in some curious, appearance            altering mood, but I was not on this particular day. I just needed mascara.Plain and simple.Well as luck would have it my mascara was not available. And by not available I mean it wasn't even given a hook among the others. So I had no choice but to find another type. 

I hope you are not totally creeped out by eyeballs, 

but just look at how massive my eyelashes look!

It is such a difficult process to choose just the right one, though. It appears that the mascara companies have a vendetta against the consumer having both length and volume by  making her choose between the two. I want both! (I mean who doesn't want long doe lashes!?). So, in turn I had always gone with Revlon's Grow Luscious by Fabulash (yes I copied that from the metallic green tube). It seemed brilliant enough to me; I would make my own lashes luscious. Meow! 

Yet, here I stood in the aisle reading the backs of boxes asking myself if I wanted length, no clumps, volume, softness, waterproof or not, a fine comb or a curved one, did I want it to vibrate? ( I really then began to question if I was even looking at makeup anymore!). Uhh why did this have to be so difficult?! I just want great lashes without the expense of flaking or irritation. 

I then saw Maybelline's The Falsies Volum' Express ( I really don't understand the use of an apostrophe here. Can anyone explain that?!). Obviously the volume would be there and with its claim of achieving  the "false lash look" I could only assume it will provide the length I desire without a garish hooker effect. (I still had to decide between brownish-black, blackest black, or very black coloring though. I can certainly tell the difference in the brown to black coloring, but how the hell do I distinguish between very black and blackest black? What kind of scale do they use to differentiate between one black and the other?)

To my pleasant surprise it is quite effective! (Not in embodying a  hooker, but the length and volume combined for lash magic). I suppose that is what you can get for feeding the microscopic mites which live on most eyelashes known as demodicids.(Kinda creepy, but totally normal). 

And sadly I cannot claim this to be any kind of scientific comparison, because it lacks any measurements or even before and after shots, but I would recommend you try it dolly if you are in the market for flirty length, volume, and the non-hooker-false-lash look for the low, low price of $6.29 (seriously don't save me the penny and just round up).